Divorcing Your Spouse…Not Your Children

Unfortunately divorce is a fairly common occurrence in today’s society. Obviously most people don’t get married with the intention of getting divorced, but divorces occur because people stop being in love, can’t get along, or for a wide variety of other reasons. That being said, getting divorced can greatly impact one’s children as well as one’s relationship with their children. However, choosing the method of divorce that is right for each person and taking children’s well being into account can significantly lessen the impact that divorce can have on parents and their children.

Types of Divorce Processes:

Many people don’t know that there are several methods for obtaining a divorce. These are a few of the main ones:

Litigation: Essentially develop divorce agreement through litigation in court.

Collaborative: The former couple each has their own attorney, who is collaboratively trained. Each person also has a coach, who is a mental health professional. These professionals help support the adults emotionally during the divorce process and assist them in making decisions that are in their best interest. A child specialist is frequently involved, who helps represent the needs/interests of the children. Additionally, a financial planner is often included to assist with dividing up assets and other money related matters. In this approach, all parties work together as a team to develop a divorce agreement. (See this website for more information: http://www.collablawmaryland.org/index.php).

Mediation: Work collaboratively with a mediator who helps the former couple divide up assets, figure out custody arrangements, and formalize a divorce agreement.

This list is not exhaustive of the different methods.

A Few Practical Ways to Protect Children:

1)     When deciding to separate/get divorced, think about how to handle things with your children (i.e., where they will live, how to tell them/what to tell them) before making any decisions such as moving out. Speaking with a mental health professional as a couple to come up with a plan of action can be very useful in assisting with the initial process of separating.  

2)     Look at the different divorce process options, and see what would work best for you and your family. If both parties are amenable, collaborative divorce offers the most opportunities/resources to work together to determine a divorce agreement that all parties can be happy with. Mediation also offers this option, but with less resources available. If you cannot handle interacting with your ex-significant other, working together to reach an agreement may be difficult. Litigation involves letting the judge ultimately decide on disagreements. Regardless of which method you choose, keep in mind how the process, and your interactions in the process, can affect long-term relationships with your ex-spouse and children.

3)     Even if a separation/divorce is very amicable, it usually has a huge impact on children. Sometimes the effects of the divorce are not immediately noticeable. Other times you may see sharp changes in behavior or mood. Therefore, it is highly recommended to seek therapy for your child before separating so that they have someone to talk to who can assist them in adjusting to the big change in their life.

4)     Don’t speak badly of the other parent in front of your child. Doing so may negatively affect your child’s relationship with you and the other parent.

5)     Try to maintain consistency in parenting while going through the separation/divorce. Often times parents become more permissive in enforcing consequences, which can negatively affect children.

6)     Take care of yourself. Separation/divorce has a huge impact on one’s life, and it’s hard for you to be the best parent you can be if you’re not taking care of yourself. Therefore, it is recommended to seek individual therapy. In addition, make sure you are eating healthy, exercising, and spending time with friends.

Conclusion

I hope that the information on methods of divorce and suggestions for protecting children are helpful. Separation/divorce is a big adjustment for everyone involved, but there are ways, as outlined above, to minimize the short-term and long-term negative impact that can occur.  

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Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and families, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment, an evaluation, or other services for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.

*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship,  and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*