I'm Not Lying?

Lying is a fairly common issue that most parents deal with whether parenting a toddler, child, or teen. It can also be very frustrating and difficult to handle at times. Some children are bad liars, which at least makes it easier to know when a child is lying, while others are good ones, which can make trusting your child or teen very difficult. Here are a few suggestions to approach situations where your child or teen is lying to you:

1)      Identify the reason for your child/teen lying:

a.      Are they worried about getting into trouble?

b.      Are they embarrassed about something?

Children and teens lie for different reasons. For example, a child may lie about breaking a lamp if they worry about getting into trouble and have a sibling that they can blame for it. A teen may lie about handing in their homework because they are embarrassed that they forgot to do it (or may also do so to avoid getting into trouble).

2)      After identifying the likely reason for lying, sit down with your child/teen and speak with them about the issue at hand. Calmly discuss with them the facts about the issue at hand (i.e., they claim they handed in their homework, but their teacher reports otherwise) and explore their reasons for lying if it is very obvious that they were doing so. Develop strategies and offer assistance to help prevent them from getting into the same situation again (i.e., if lied about completing homework, offer to sit down with your child/teen in the evening and help them double check to make sure they completed all of their assignments for the next day).

3)      If it is unclear if they were lying (i.e., said they were late picking up their younger brother from soccer practice because of traffic and you suspect they were late because they were hanging out with friends), sit down with your child or teen and discuss the situation.  In some cases you can’t truly prove that your child/teen is lying, and for littler things, it is sometimes better to let it go and give your child/teen the benefit of the doubt. Many children/teens often feel that their parents don’t trust them, and being accused of lying when they are really being honest can make some individuals feel that it’s not worth being honest since their parents don’t believe them anyway. This can fuel conflict and tension in parent-child relationships.

4)      If your child/teen is lying about bigger items (i.e., who they were hanging out with, being out after curfew, skipping school, etc.), it is important to sit down with them, confront them calmly, and give them an opportunity to explain what is going on. By providing children and teens an opportunity to explain what has been going on, if they feel safe enough, will often be honest, rather than continuing to lie if they know that it’s likely to make things worse (especially when there is proof that they are lying). 

5)      In many of these cases, fear of punishment is a major source of lying and continued lying. Thus, in some instances, it can be helpful to encourage your child/teen to be honest with you in exchange for limited consequences.  If a child/teen knows that consequences for their actions will be minimal, they may be more likely to be honest and upfront with their parents. Obviously, depending on the severity of the issue and the frequency of it occurring, parents cannot always refrain from enforcing consequences, because doing so may make the child/teen feel that they can continue to do things that they should not be doing as long as they are honest with their parents about it. Thus, enforcing minimal consequences for something is best used the first time a specific issue arises.

Each child/teen and situation regarding lying is different. Thus, these suggestions should only be used as a general guide for determining how to handle situations where your child/teen lies. Above all, make sure your child/teen is staying safe and provide supportive opportunities to discuss things that are going on in order to prevent strained parent-child relationships.

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Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and families, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment, an evaluation, or other services for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.

*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship,  and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*