Negotiating College Choices With Your Teen

When adolescents enter 11th grade and start thinking more seriously about colleges, their views on what they want don’t always mesh well with what their parents want for them/are willing or able to pay for.  Here are a few suggestions to reduce conflict between parents and an adolescent when choosing which colleges to apply to with the intention of attending:

1)      Sit down with your adolescent and find out what kind of college they wish to attend.  It is important to determine which type of college they want (i.e., big school, small school, school near home, school across the country, school by the beach, etc.) and why they want it. Many times adolescents want a big school simply because they’ve seen large colleges featured in movies and think the parties and social life would be best at a big school. Others may want a small school or a specific type of program (i.e.  theater) for the same reasons discussed above. Therefore, determining what kind of school they want is the first step in the process.

2)      Explore with your adolescent why he or she wants a specific type of school. For example, does he or she want a large university because they like college sports or want large lecture classes so they don't have to attend class regularly? Do they want a small school so that they don’t get lost? Once you have discussed your adolescent’s reasons for his or her choice of a type of school, help him or her to determine whether their reasons are realistic (i.e., bigger schools have more emphasis on college sports, a small school doesn’t mean you can’t be involved with Greek life).

3)      Talk with your adolescent about his or her reasons and your thoughts on the type of school that may be best for your adolescent. It is important to not overly emphasize your views initially, because it can lead some adolescents to rebel against choosing schools that may be a better fit for them.

4)      Look at a variety of factors that differentiate schools: i.e., size of the school, class sizes, programs/majors offered, academic support services, and have your adolescent make a list of which factors are important to them. Also make a list of your own thoughts on these different factors.

5)      Look at geographic locations of interest and determine how that may impact your adolescent’s ability to come home (i.e., choosing a school in California requires flying, and thus it may be expensive to fly your adolescent home if they want to visit for a weekend or go visit friends who may go to school closer to home).

6)      Discuss other relevant factors related to geographic distance (i.e., whether or not your adolescent would need/be able to have a car on campus).

7)      Go visit schools of different sizes to give your adolescent a sense of what they are like. Also, have him or her speak with current students (such as young adults who went to their high school, so he or she can get a firsthand experience of what the college is really like). Obviously, it is important to keep in mind that one student’s experience at a school may be quite different from another one’s experience. Thus, one cannot completely base their perceptions of a school based on others’ experiences there.

8)      If your adolescent has learning disabilities, ADHD, or other items that necessitate accommodations in college, make sure that the schools that your adolescent chooses has good disability support programs. Some colleges and universities are well known for the quality of these services. 

9)      If there is significant conflict over choosing a school, or difficulty locating schools that may be a good fit, seek out the assistance of a college planner, who can help you and your adolescent choose a college that would be a good fit. These individuals can also help negotiate conflicts between what your adolescent wants and what you feel would be a good fit. 

10)      A college planner and/or financial planner can assist you with determining ways to pay for college for your adolescent (i.e., savings, 529 plans, financial aid, scholarships, etc.) It is important to include your adolescent in the financial decision making process, especially if he or she would have to take out loans in their name to pay for specific schools that they wish to attend. 

11)     If your adolescent is experiencing significant anxiety about the college process, moving away from home, or other related issues, they may benefit from assistance by a mental health professional who can intervene and assist them in addressing these concerns. 

This list is not exhaustive, but rather offers some suggestions to get you started in discussing colleges with your adolescent. It is important to let him or her voice their opinion about what kind of school/specific school they want, and be supportive of their views. Obviously, it is necessary to make sure their thoughts and views are realistic, and often times, if they are not, it is easier for adolescents to hear this also from a school counselor, college planner, or other knowledgeable professional. When significant conflicts over choosing a college arise, or when there are a variety of factors that need to be considered (i.e., learning disabilities, depression, social issues) professional assistance can be extremely helpful. 

I hope you find these suggestions useful. 

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Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and families, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment, an evaluation, or other services for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.

*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship,  and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*