When Your Parenting Values Conflict with How Other Kids are Raised

For most children, they want to be treated fairly by their parents, and have many of the same things their friends have. In addition, it usually bothers children if their friends are allowed to do certain things or have certain items that they cannot. Being allowed to have screen time during the week, video games, ipods, cell phones, and other electronics are often frequent sources of conflict between children and parents. Obviously parents vary in their views on their children using these items during the school week, and in general. Thus, for children who have limits set on these items, or aren’t allowed to have these items in general, in can be a big source of conflict. While a full discussion on all aspects of this topic is beyond the scope of this specific article, I will highlight a few key items and provide a few strategies to handle situations that may arise related to the topic at hand.

1)     With any parenting intervention, there should be a specific reason for a restriction on something. Thus, if your child asks why they cannot have screen time during the week, or own video games, it is important to be sure that you fully understand your rationale for this.

2)     It is important to teach children to regulate their use of certain items.  For young children, most do need significant parental involvement to regulate television time and use of other electronics. For older children, it is helpful to teach them to self-regulate gradually. Some children can easily regulate themselves and not spend hours watching television or playing video games. Others need more limitations to assist them.

3)     As children get older, it is important to give them opportunities to learn to self-regulate activities. If children don’t learn to do so, it makes it much more difficult when they become teens and young adults.

4)     If your child is upset that you will not allow them to watch television during the week, play video games, etc., sit down with them and have a conversation with them about it. Explore why they want to be allowed to do these activities. Express your concerns about them doing this. Depending on your child’s age, maturity level, and self-regulation abilities, determine if it would be in their best interest to allow certain activities, but possibly put certain limits on them.

5)     Examine how limits on certain items are affecting your child socially. For children who have trouble making friends, not watching television or playing video games takes away a big topic that can be used to facilitate friendships. You shouldn’t allow them to do this simply to avoid social issues, but it is a big factor to consider.

6)     Certain electronics also help facilitate and maintain peer relationships. For older children, ipods and smartphones can help children stay connected with peers through texting, interacting through social media, and other means. Obviously, with the ipod/smartphone, rules need to be put in place, and there is potential for issues to arise. Of course, ipods and smartphones can also greatly improve time management and organization.

7)     Look at trends with your child’s friends and classmates regarding what they are allowed to do. Perhaps talk to your friends who are also parents. Obviously you shouldn’t change your parenting tactics just because of how other parents parent, but if your methods and views don’t seem to align with a lot of other parent’s, at least examine them. After examining them, look at your rationale for certain things that differ from how other parents handle the situation, and decide if it would be in your child’s best interest to adjust how you handle a certain issue (i.e., instead of no video games during the week, thirty minutes per day after all homework is complete).

There are a lot of issues at play here with handling common parenting issues when your views and methods don’t match those of other parents. It is important to make sure that your rationale for handling things a certain way makes sense and is in the best interest of your child. It is vital that you explain any rationale about restrictions to your child, so he or she can understand that any restrictions are for their own benefit. At the same time, it is important to continually revisit any restrictions that you put on your child as he or she gets older, to ensure that your child has ample opportunity to learn to self-regulate. Additionally, especially for children who are struggling socially, you want to make sure that any restrictions aren’t setting your child apart even further from their peers and exacerbating social issues.

I hope that this discussion and the items presented are helpful. 

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Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and families, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment, an evaluation, or other services for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.

*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship,  and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*