21 rules for the 21st century parent

On the face of it parenting today is easier than it's ever been. For a start there's no need to give birth to eight children just in case five die of a cold and two get stuck up a chimney. However, there are a few challenges the 18th century mother and father didn't have to face. With that in mind here's a handy guide to avoiding some 21st century parenting problems.

1. Put your hands up and move away from Facebook.

Everybody understands you want to show the world your freshly popped mini human, but let's face it most newborns look the same – weird and a bit ugly. Wait until they've grown some hair and even then limit yourself to uploading two pictures a month if you want your friends to retain any interest.


2 Never open a social media account on behalf of your child.

Nobody really cares what you think your three-month-old is thinking. Because really he isn't thinking much more than: "Jesus what are those weird things attached to my arms? What are arms? I'm tired and want to cry."


3. Do not leave a toddler alone with your smart phone.

She'll either input an incorrect security code so many times your phone self-destructs or rack up a horrific bill buying extra toppings for a digital cupcake.


4. Do buy organic pureed vegetables.

You may feel virtuous blending, mashing and pureeing veg all day, but your mush will never go down as well as the stuff Ella and HiPP knock out. Save yourself the culinary rejection.


5 Find a softplay centre that sells good coffee.

When I was a boy there were about three ball pools in the country. They were mystical places that I never saw because my parents would rather drag me around the Museum of Extremely Dull Things. Now they're on every corner.

Built using design principles including: 'who needs windows?' And 'good ventilation is for wimps', they are airless fetid places serving food that's been fried in some kind of fatty abyss. You will be spending a lot of time in them. If you find one that has some natural light and serves proper coffee never leave, just in case you can't get back in.

6. Don't introduce your kids to On Demand TV.

They'll expect back-to-back Peppa Pig everywhere they go but grandma has only just realised there are more than four channels.


7. Stop looking at nurseries on Pinterest.

Unless you have a lot of money and too much time you'll never compete. But that's OK because babies really couldn't give a toss about feature walls and shabby-chic mobiles.


8. Forget about five-a-day.

If your toddler eats just one piece of fruit or veg a week you should hold a street party to celebrate.


9. Let them watch TV in the car...

There's a brand of smug parent who will tell you their kids were happy to spend the two day drive to the south of France "looking out of the window at the beautiful landscape". They're either lying or have lobotomised the lot of them.

Long journeys are only bearable if small children are transfixed by some kind of screen.

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